"Do You. Be You. For You." :) I think that's where I'm at right now. ⠀
Since a decade I've been aiming to figure out who I am, but whoever that I am, she's definitely worth fighting for. We live in a difficult world, there are so many external factors, opinions, ideas, things and people that we're exposed to on a daily basis in this fast living city. Sometimes some of us slow livers (who can't seem to cope with the busy-ness; Oh, a pun!) find it difficult to breathe and not think about our past, present, future - all at the same time. ⠀
My greatest trigger is uncertainty in my career. I'm figuring out my Ikigai, or whatever could be the closest to it. I want to attain that happiness of doing what I do while also enjoying it and finding meaning in it. Or finding something that pays enough for me to not think about money at all and have more time to just live a simple slow life. Everyone else is in the same boat but I feel sometimes, a few of us let that hustle get to us real bad, in a way that it disrupts our daily behaviour (unintentional but sometimes inevitable).
Maybe that's why we fall in the mentally 'ill' category. We're extra sensitive to minute observations, daily conversations, other people’s behaviour and what not. We start reading into things that others would see as a waste of time, but we do it compulsively. I got diagnosed with some five odd mental illnesses a few years ago, mainly bipolarity. It was a jolting rollercoaster ride, to say the least. I hallucinated without drugs, was filled with delusions, was so depressed that I was starving for love even though it was all around me. I went to so many psychiatrists and have finally found the medicines that seem to be working the most in my favour. The diagnosis has helped me understand myself better though, and it has helped my loved ones understand me as well. My elder sister has always been there for me for when I want to cry like a baby and embrace the catharsis that punctuates all my depressive phases. Mania is dangerous as well and I'm wrapping my head around it.
It's difficult and sometimes hilarious to sit and segregate reality from delusions!! But it's a constant battle and I'm fighting it in my most badass outfit. I'm currently a writer, actor, singer, model (all a work in progress) and most importantly, a calm Buddha who isn't even defined by her job but the immense love in her heart. My career or goals may change but my identity could be or maybe already is, a free being sitting in front of an ocean, under a tree, brain as blank as a fresh new book, breeze running through my hair and I'm FREE. ⠀
PS. Wouldn't hurt to have family and friends around while I'm at it. ;)"